I don’t like this part

I hate the anxiety of waiting to hear back from an important interview. I know I should keep myself busy so I won’t think about it, but there is always that moment of down time when the anxiety creeps back into my mind.

I have been working out ever day. And I plan to keep that up even if I don’t get the police officer position because it is good for my body and that way if the opportunity presents itself again, I will be in much better physical condition to compete for the job.

I have been reading a book by a very inspiring life coach, Cledra and she talks about letting go of trying to control something that is out of my control.  So I have been practicing letting go of the outcome.  It’s not anything at all I can control, no matter how much I worry about it.  I keep trying to be nice to myself and focus on why it could happen, and not why it might not, but that is a huge task too.

It’s been a week since the interviews were held.  We were told at the interview the decision would be made within a week.  There were 4 applicants.  We are all coworkers, all CSOs (Community Service Officers) and we have been openly communicative with each other about the whole process.  So I know they are just as anxious as I am.

Thank goodness today I have a lot to keep me busy, but the moment I stop keeping busy, even for a second, all the anxiety and negative talk runs through my brain.  It’s ironic how much work it takes to stop that sort of thing rather than no work at all to just let it play its soundtrack in my mind, but it kills my hope.  I don’t want hope to die, because then despair sets in.  Not good at all.

I hope I hear soon.


Dare I Dream?

I have not blogged in a while because I’ve been overwhelmed with life in general.  But I thought it would be a good idea to get back on track since the whole purpose of this blog was to get the crap outta my head and in writing to help with the overwhelm.

I’ve been having serious trouble paying the rent on time, bills at all, and just trying to meet basic needs for my family.  Thank gawd my daughter Gina and her family live with me.  They buy groceries for the house and without her help, the rest of us would probably starve!  Not joking here folks…she shops and cooks for the majority of the time.

I started working full time and have gotten my first check from that job, but I continue to work one day a week as a police dispatcher and recently started back up as a medical transcriptionist working 24 hours a week.  I know some folks would think this is crazy, but I gotta make more money to get outta the hole I’m in.  So, I’ll keep doing this for a while until I get caught up, and probably beyond that to stay caught up unless….

I recently applied at the College of Lake County for a Police Officer position.  Yeah, I know I’m not 20-something, but becoming a police officer was a dream when I was in my 20s that due to my circumstances at the time didn’t work out for me.  I gave up the dream because I never thought my circumstances were going to change, but they did, when I was in my mid-40s.

I still would not have dreamed of becoming an officer, except that I found out that the college does not have an age cut off for their police officers.  So I applied.  And I got an interview….SHOCKED!

My interview was last week and now I am not-so-patiently waiting to hear if I am going to be chose for the position.  I have been running almost every day, working on my flexibility and situps.  I can do this.  That is my mantra lately.  It helps me get through the running when I dont want to run anymore…”I can do this.”

So hopefully, I will have an update soon about whether I got the position or not.  Oh, I do have to say the day after the interview I had a dream that I was told not to worry, I have the position…how awesome would it be if that was a premonition?!